CHRIS: Thank you very much for granting this interview. Truly kind of you sir.
PASTOR CHRIS: It’s nothing my brother. All thanks and adorations must go to the almighty God, through Christ our Lord.
CHRIS: Amen sir. Let me start by thanking you on behalf of millions of people that you set free with that declaration of Freedom of Masturbation Act; that is the single most humane proclamation this country has seen in a long time.
PASTOR CHRIS: Praise the Lord. I just felt that we are too hypocritical in this country. We like to pretend that we are holier than angels and by so doing, imprison the minds, nay bodies, of the people. It is the duty and responsibility of those of us who have been called, to free the minds and bodies of those who look up to us and liberate them from guilt, especially guilt from sins they haven’t committed. Praise the Lord.
CHRIS: Hallelujah sir. It is truly a liberating act. Just imagine the nationwide wankfest that followed your proclamation; all that pent-up anxiety and frustration released in one marathon masturbation exercise without the accompanying guilt and shame?! Drum-loads of semen would have been produced in the aftermath of your declaration! Ah, you deserve a national award for this sir.
PASTOR CHRIS: All thanks to God.
CHRIS: Yes sir. I was wondering though; can we continue this liberation exercise, just so we may, once and for all, settle the battles around issues of sex and faith?
PASTOR CHRIS: There are battles? How do you mean?
CHRIS: I mean that, beyond the freedom to masturbate without guilt, what other freedom can you grant those who have inhibitions and confusions where sex is concerned? For instance, is oral sex a sin?
PASTOR CHRIS: How can? Something that pleasurable? God forbid. My problem with it is the selfishness of most men where oral sex is concerned: they want it but don’t like to give it. I’ll say to women; if he isn’t giving it, he shouldn’t be getting it. That would be a sin. Praise the lord.
CHRIS: Hallelujah sir. What of sexual positions sir, which one would you recommend?
PASTOR CHRIS: Well, missionary position, for obvious reasons. We seem to have adopted doggy fairly well. I think women should be on top more often though, you know, straddling. I hear it encourages orgasm and more women need to have that. Too many women with too few orgasms; always a headache at counselling. I don’t encourage dangerous contortions like tying one leg to the ceiling and the other to the door knob; it should be intercourse, not gymnastics. Some positions can be fatal. And anything anal is surely sinful, as that crevice was made for another purpose. Praise the Lord.
CHRIS: Hallelujah. I agree with you on that. You haven’t said anything about 69 sir…
PASTOR CHRIS: Oh yes, 69! I will surely recommend that. The simultaneous nature of it exemplifies what living should be about; giving and taking, mutually beneficial endeavour. Praise the Lord.
CHRIS: Hallelujah! Is this a favourite of yours?
PASTOR CHRIS: Ah ah, I see you are getting excited!
CHRIS: I’m encouraged by your enthusiastic responses sir. It is very unusually to have a clergyman of your standing answer questions like these in such a frank and enthusiastic manner.
PASTOR CHRIS: We should do more sef. All this yeye posturing as if we no dey shit dey tire person.
CHRIS: What do you say to those who say the body is the temple of God and masturbation defiles it?
PASTOR CHRIS: I say wake up and smell the coffee! Do they take ice cream? Or Coca cola? Or Pizza? They defile the temple of God too, you know…bull!
CHRIS: Shit! You are the man! You almost want to make me reconsider going to church!
PASTOR CHRIS: You’ll be welcome with open arms, brother. The liberation of the soul and they acceptance of all, irrespective of their inconsequential frivolities should be the hallmark of religion, not ostracism. Puuraiseee tha Lorddd!!
CHRIS: Hallelujah somborri!!!!
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This interview is merely a figment of the writer’s imagination.
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